Are you feeling stuck in life or at work? You're not alone. Whether in career, relationship, or even in identifying the next goal — most people will feel stuck at some point.
Stuckness can look like:
Why do you feel stuck?
Have you ever asked yourself, "Why do I feel stuck in life?" It's not always an easy question to answer. "Stuckness" can wear different guises. Below are a few scenarios when you might want to move, but not know how.
You've outgrown your current situation
You fear external judgment
You feel disconnected from your values
You think a change might mean losing something
You've lost hope for the future
You're overwhelmed or burnt out
Your positives vs. negatives lists are in competition
You're comparing yourself to others
You're outside of your comfort zone
How to get unstuck
There are plenty of ways that you can help yourself get unstuck. Below are some approaches you can use to shift the energy.
Identify what you truly want
Stuckness can be a vague, ambiguous feeling of something in life not being "right." When you notice these feelings, allow yourself some time to clarify what you want to be different. Frame these desires and hopes as what you do want to happen: "I want to maintain or increase my salary" rather than "I don't want to take a pay cut."
Ways to identify what you want:
Change your perspective
Remember that feeling "stuck" can be simply a mindset—albeit an oppressive one. But negative thoughts don't hold all the cards. With some self-awareness and conscious effort, you can change your inner voice. And your perspective to be more flexible.
Questions to change your perspective:
Move your body
If you've ever finished the workday with a stiff neck and shoulders, you'll know that tension and stuckness can sit in the body. Exercise can get more positive chemicals running through you. And being outside and in nature does wonders for your well-being.
Ways to get moving:
Set a date and park decisions until then
Give yourself space to clear your head, and set a date to re-evaluate your situation. Mark the date in your calendar, and allow yourself to focus on present issues until then. This practice gives you the chance to fully commit to what you're doing without the extra weight of questioning yourself and your future.
Take action to avoid "analysis paralysis"
Once you're clear on what you want, ask yourself, "What's the next smallest step I could take?" It's so easy to get entangled with the stuckness that you forget there are small steps that you could take to make progress.
Tap into your agency
Stuckness can often make you want to wallow in helplessness. Identify an aspect of your life where you do feel in control and then do something about it. You cannot be stuck and in motion at the same time. So doing anything with choice reminds you of your ability to get unstuck.
Small activities that build agency:
Rest, recharge, and focus on self-care
During a challenging time, keep in mind that you're responsible for your own well-being. Do what you need to look after yourself through a good diet, sleep, healthy movement, and connection.
Suggestions for self-care:
When to seek help getting unstuck
Feeling stuck can happen at many different stages of life: early in careers, when transition phases end, at mid-life, after a period of relative stability, or during a pandemic.
If you have persistent feelings of low mood, worry, or anxiety, or your sense of stuckness is getting in the way of your ability to cope, it's a good idea to speak to a doctor or healthcare professional.
What not to do when you feel stuck
To reduce any extra stress and worry that can arise when feeling stuck in a rut, keep these in mind:
Try not to over-identify with the situation
Say, "I'm feeling stuck," rather than "I am stuck." It's subtle but essential because it allows you to remember that feelings pass. One moment you might feel stuck, but the next moment you might feel tired, delighted, or any number of emotions.
Don't beat yourself up
Most people like to have clarity and control over their lives. So the feeling of being stuck can be frustrating. Rather than beat yourself up over feeling stuck, treat yourself with self-compassion
Don't focus on the stuck area as the only thing in your life
Remember that each situation that makes you feel stuck is just one part of your life.
Try not to blame others
Others' decisions and actions can impact our lives. But dwelling on them isn't productive. Give other people the benefit of the doubt, and consider that they may be doing the best they can with the tools they have. And remember that you're ultimately in charge of many aspects of your personal and professional life.
Don't doubt your ability to handle your decisions
If you're really stuck with a choice between two options, they may be equal—or one would be more obvious. When you consider the cost of staying in the limbo of indecision, you may find it's better to commit to a decision. You can then move forward with the self-belief that you're able to handle what comes next. Trust yourself.
Final thoughts on feeling stuck
Unlike a ship that's run aground, a car stuck in the mud, or a fallen tree blocking a river's path—the particular stuckness of humans can be one of choice, state of mind, and perspective. Remember: it's never too late to start over in life.
Choose to see your situation through a different lens and see what opens up for you.
Hopefully, by using the tips above, you will move past feeling stuck, find your agency and ultimately start thriving.
Reflecting and Looking Forward
We made it to 2021! This is the time of year many reflect on the previous year and set intentions for the upcoming year. You can use the knowledge you have from 2020 and to look forward and create your own intentions. It can be anything that resonates with you. Maybe it is experiencing joy and laughter, being present, self-acceptance, knowing you are enough or a specific goal.
First, in order to get a clear picture of what 2021 might look like, we start with a reflection on 2020. While the pandemic has been a challenging time, it may also provided an opportunity to slow down, overcome challenges and work to understand ourselves better.
2 tips for a productive 2020 reflection:
1. Ask yourself the following questions: What are some desirable changes you've see in your life in 2020? What have you learned about yourself? What strengths did you leverage in order to navigate challenges this year? What are you grateful for?
2. Identify what you want to take with you from this year into next. In your eagerness to move on from 2020, don't miss the chance to reflect on the strengths you gained and practiced to remain resilient through challenges. Great change brings the opportunity for growth.
After reflecting on 2020, it is now time to look ahead.
Step 1 - It is important to first take a moment to get a clear picture of what you want in 2021. What is the next way of being you want to step into? What is the experience of life you wish to experience? What would you like to create in 2021? What emotions do you hope to cultivate? Who do you want to be this year and how can you play an active role in creating this?
Step 2 - Create a visual reminder. You can write out words or draw pictures. You can also create a vision board to serve as a physical reminder of your goals. Researchers found that, in athletes, visualization was almost as effective as physical practice. Choose photos and words that will help you visualize the long term goals or habits you hope to achieve and the emotions you associate with them.
Step 3 - Make a plan. Break down your long term intentions into short term goals and celebrate each milestone to help keep you motivated. Also, choose an accountability partner, like a friend, a coach or therapist to support you!
Step 4 - Practice self-compassion. Progress isn’t linear, and sometimes we face unexpected setbacks. It is important to manage your self-talk when challenges arise in a way that will help you move forward. A key ingredient for staying resilient through adversity is self-compassion.
I hope after walking through this quick exercise you can take your learnings from 2020 to create a clear vision for 2021 and know how you will make that vision a reality! Reach out if I can be of support on your journey.
Tips to Improve Mood During Winter
Fall and winter bring cooler, darker nights and mornings. Along with the temperature and light change, we are about to change the clocks again and cooler temps will arrive. Consider the physical, emotional, and relational ways you may be affected by this transition. This in addition to living during pandemic times.
The impact of light and temperature on the human body is profound. We all need some level of light and warmth for our bodies to survive and thrive. Autumn, for some parts of the world, marks a change in both light and warmth as we approach colder and darker days.
Many people struggle with seasonal affective mood issues, commonly referred to as seasonal affective disorder (SAD)—a depression related to the change in seasons. For most, this begins in fall and continues through the winter months. It’s marked by moodiness, low energy, difficulty sleeping, a lack of interest in activities and relationships, feeling hopeless, and an overall sense of depression. Known more casually as “the winter blues,” SAD can have a significant impact on your mood and relationships. If you are more irritable, withdrawn, or moody during the winter months, the time to plan and prepare is now.
Why do we get down in the winter? Less sunlight affects your circadian rhythm, the body’s internal clock that governs certain brain wave activity and hormone production. This shift can change mood-related chemicals in a way that can cause depression.
Here are a few tips to protect your mental health during the shorter days of fall and winter.
1. Get outdoors & absorb real sunlight
If you can manage to sneak away for even 10 or 15 minutes at lunchtime to get outside and soak in as many rays as possible, you’ll get a decent-enough sunshine fix. Or put on your coat and gloves and brave the cold during the weekend for a nice long walk at noon. I run all year round, even if I have to wear several layers! Getting outdoors in fresh air can feel good, even if only for short spurts.
2. Take a Vitamin D Supplement
Consider taking a vitamin D supplement during the winter months. Many diseases are correlated with low vitamin D levels, especially depression. Even if you’re not feeling low, I would have your levels checked, which your primary care physician can do. Your doctor can help you determine the best amount of vitamin D to take, if you need it.
3. Get some exercise
Although we've known for decades that exercise can decrease depression symptoms, exercise can increase the levels of the neurotransmitters glutamate and GABA, both of which are depleted in the brains of people with depression and anxiety. If there were a drug that could do for human health everything that exercise can, it would likely be the most valuable pharmaceutical ever developed.
4. Consider using a light box
Light boxes are the typical light system used for SAD in clinical studies. They're flat screens that produce full-spectrum fluorescent light, usually at an intensity of 10,000 lux(lux is the measure of visible light). It’s important to position a light box according to the manufacturer’s instructions and use it at the same time each day, typically for 30 to 60 minutes. Most people get the best results when they use a light box before 10 a.m.
5. Connect with friends and loved ones
Winter can be a time of hibernation for many, especially with the cold and darkness. While rest and slowing down is important, be aware if you are feeling lonely and isolated which can lead to depression. Snuggling under the blankets with a cup of cocoa/tea/coffee is wonderful, so can connecting with your favorite people and having some laughs. Virtual counts too!
6. Engage in a few of your favorite hobbies or discover new ones
Most of my hobbies are outdoor adventure types, and luckily I live in a climate that I can get outdoors all year round. However, I am indoors more of the time in the winter to warm up. I may do yoga, read books, spend time in warm coffee shops or write a little more. Sometimes I will take my dog to Lowe’s Home Improvement(it’s pet friendly) to walk around and do training when’s it’s freezing or raining!
7. Listen to music
In a 2016 study, researchers showed that listening to upbeat or cheery music significantly improved participant’s mood in both the short and long term. I must agree that music can be mood lifting, and so can dancing in the kitchen!
8. Essential Oils
I love the smell of good quality essential oils! Oils with citrus and orange can be uplifting when mood is feeling low and you need more energy. Our olfactory system is very powerful, I dab a few drops on my wrists and chest or use a diffuser.
9. Allow space for rest
Fatigue is something I commonly hear of frequently and it may be more than other winters due to navigating life in the pandemic. Allow yourself the extra rest you need during this time. Trees and nature are so good at demonstrating this for us- resting in the winter and blooming in the spring.
With all this said, if you are struggling, reach out for support from a qualified, licensed therapist or see your doctor. Being able to to catch it in the beginning can be helpful with getting back on track to feeling like yourself again.
There is a lot going on the world today and the volume has been turned way up on our internal experiences. Tensions are higher for many, however we can use this amplification to make actual change in our internal state and our neurological response to our environment and external stimuli.
Regulating your emotions means working with whatever emotions you might be feeling in order to get back into an unbothered state where you can do your best work. The more emotionally stable we are, the better equipped we are to remain cool, calm, and collected when challenges arise.
In practice, this usually means dialing back emotions like anger and fear and enhancing the experience of positive ones. But emotional regulation is not about putting on a fake happy face while you suppress any negative feelings. Instead, it’s about acknowledging what’s happening for you emotionally and working with those feelings, so that you are free to choose your response to a situation, without the emotions controlling you.
Here are a few signs that your nervous system may not be regulated:
*You wake up in the morning and your mind is running with thoughts.You feel overwhelmed by tasks that seem really simple.
*You experience panic attacks, anxiety, or depression.
*You feel defensive when people try to give you feedback.
*You struggle to fall asleep.
*You struggle to keep a consistent sleeping schedule.
*You are easily pulled into arguments on social media.
*You have a hard time remembering things.
*You struggle to follow through with what you say you want to do.
*You get righteous about things easily.
*You struggle with setting healthy boundaries.
*You are easily impacted by the way other people show up (both positively, and negatively).
The benefits of self-regulation are numerous. In general, people who are adept at self-regulating tend to possess the following abilities:
Here are a few things that you can do to regulate your nervous system:
1) Self-soothing, in any form, can reduce the toxic effects of anger, sadness, and agony that negative experiences bring and is supportive of managing thoughts and emotions.
We can practice several variations of self-soothing exercises, including:
2) Be aware of your triggers. We can’t run from everything that bothers us, but we can increase our awareness of situations that trigger unwanted emotions. Minimize exposure to things that bother you (although little discomfort is good for growth!).
3) Don’t suppress your emotions. Research shows that in the long run, suppressing negative emotions doesn’t work nearly as well as transforming them by acknowledging and expressing them.
4) Shift your focus. The little things we think about add up into our moods so be mindful of the little things that catch your attention. When you find yourself hung up small stuff that gets you down -shift your focus to anything that gives you a more neutral or positive feeling.
5) Cognitive reframing. This strategy involves changing your thought patterns. Specifically, cognitive reappraisal involves reinterpreting a situation in order to change your emotional response to it. For example, imagine a friend did not return your calls or texts for several days. Rather than thinking that this reflected something about yourself, such as "my friend hates me," you might instead think, "my friend must be really busy."
If you have any questions or if I can be of service, reach out!
The Benefits of Laughter
“Laughter is true alignment” — Abraham Hicks.
The world is feeling much uncertainty at the current moment with the current pandemic as well as the upcoming election. There are many things we can do to ground ourselves such as meditation, mindfulness, exercise, writing, and spending time in nature. However laughter is another tool. Sometimes when we are feeling stressed or uncertain, we aren’t tapped into joy and emotions feel really heavy. Laughter is a powerful antidote in shifting energy.
There are times I can feel my energy or vibe being low. Maybe I am in my thoughts, feeling stressed and have a busy mind. Then for whatever reason I find something funny and laugh, next thing I know, my mood feels lifted. Laughter can be a powerful antidote. Around twenty minutes of belly laughter with friends or a funny movie can completely shift my state from feeling low vibe and stressed to feeling relaxed and feeling tapped into joy.
It turns out the saying, “laughter is the best medicine”, is backed up by a raft of scientific studies. I discovered in my research that heart disease, kidney failure, arthritis, Parkinson’s Disease, anxiety, depression and even insomnia have been shown to either be cured or reduced with the aid of laughter. I also uncovered further positive effects of laughter on social relationships, memory and learning.
Most compelling of all, laughter has been shown to increase life span. Korean researchers concluded in a 2005 study that optimists, and those who laughed more, were less likely to suffer from strokes and therefore outlived those who didn’t laugh as much. The results were echoed in two Norwegian studies: laughter and having a sense of humor proved to help people live longer by 31% and increased the chance of people with end-stage renal failure of living into retirement by 35%.
Laughter doesn’t just help us live healthier longer lives it can also be a spiritual practice. Laughter has been shown to produce the same gamma wave brain activity produced by experienced meditators, Himalayan monks.
One of the world’s most well-known meditators, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, knows just how powerful laughter is. Not only is he known for creating a sense of fun and joy during his official events, he even calls himself a professional laugher.
I consider laughter and humor, an essential part of healthy living. I laugh every single day as a spiritual practice. I laugh as my dog does something really cute, I laugh as I listen to funny podcasts and I watch mainly comedy shows, or content that is uplifting or neutral in emotion; such as shows about the natural environment, creativity, cooking or human interest. I have found that there is comedy and joy in almost every life situation if one takes the time to look for it. I also bring a sense of lightness and humor into my sessions with the amazing people I work with.
Bring on the giggles, guffaws and deep belly laughs. Find laughter in each day and notice the difference in your vibe and the ability to experience joy! Where can you create opportunities for laughter and joy in your life?
Photo Cred: Amelia Winchester Photography in beautiful Spain!
Self-efficacy is our belief in our own abilities. It allows us to confront problems head on and flourish in the face of challenges. Without it, we avoid things that seem hard and miss out on opportunities for growth. Keep reading to learn about how practicing self-efficacy can keep you moving forward.
What is self-efficacy?
The belief that you can handle whatever comes your way, giving you the confidence to act in the face of a challenge. An important indicator of how we approach a difficult situation. If you have self-efficacy, you are more likely to tackle the situation with positivity; if you don't, you may feel threatened by failure and avoid trying at all. A key component of what's known as our "self-system," the part of our psychological makeup that shapes how we perceive and approach the world around us.
Why is it important?
What does it look like in my life?
How do I maximize it?
A deeper look...
One last note: Environment greatly impacts feelings of self-efficacy and it can be taught or improved. Reach out if this is an area I can support you on!
Featured Researchers Albert Bandura, Ph.D., and one of the most cited psychologists of all time. Daniel Kahneman, Ph.D., a Nobel Memorial Prize winner noted for his work on the psychology of judgment and decision making.
Are You Feeling Fatigued Lately?
Have you noticed noticed any feelings burnout or extra fatigue lately? This can include, but not limited to: feeling overwhelmed, fatigue, anxiety, sluggishness, lack of motivation or just not feeling joy. You are not alone if you are feeling this way. I have noticed my own need of more rest lately.
Whatever that may be important in your life, it requires energy. Whether it may be your family, growing your business, recovery from a past event, navigating the pandemic. They also require you to have regular self- care.
Implementing self-care into your life each day is essential. When we prioritize our wellness and well-being, we are more likely to feel energized, feel creative, and connect with our purpose. We can show up for what matters most from a more rested place.
With that said, this is not a reason to stop showing up in your life.
This is a nudge to continue to show up for the things that are important to you AND take care of your emotional wellness. You can continue to work towards your goals and take care of your emotional wellness.
So, where can you start?
A few of my own favorite practices that I do regularly: get outdoors in nature every day, take my dog, Ellie, for walks and hikes, and my yoga and meditation practice. Eating really good, healthy food and staying hydrated. Lately I have been able to visit the farmers market for fresh produce. So good! I'm also allowing myself breaks in the day and to slow down, breathe and rest. Also, connecting with the important people in my life for good soul conversations and belly laughs! Oh and naps too!
Please reach out if you need additional support!
Is everything going to be okay? Many have asked this question to themselves during challenging times in their lives. To say everything will be okay, is meant to provide reassurance and hope. But those words can sometimes ring empty.
That’s because when you say everything is going to be okay, the hope is that everything is going to be resolved and there won’t be any major heartache or disruption.
Even if today’s problem resolves itself simply and easily, there will be other challenges tomorrow or the next day. Jobs are lost. Relationships fail. Illness happens. Loved ones pass. Sooner or later, every one of us will have moments of pain.
But that doesn’t mean you have to tiptoe through life, breath held, shoulders tense, wondering when it will be your turn for things to not be okay. It doesn’t mean you have to live in despair.
When you hit those inevitable moments of not okay, it means one thing: you are alive, you are brave and you are human.
In being vulnerable, you discover your own strength. In facing down your worst fears, you find your own power. In standing up to external opposition, you learn to silence the internal opposition that says you can't and you are not enough. You become the best version of yourself one choice at a time. You make mistakes. Things don’t work out. And you show up and keep trying anyway.
It’s that kind of everyday courage that changes lives. That matters. And it doesn’t come from everything outside you working out smoothly. It comes from claiming your own power right in the middle of the complicated, imperfect present.
You don't have to feel courageous to be brave and you don’t have to feel strong to have grit. Some of your most valiant decisions will come in the shadows and in the quiet moments.
You don’t have to be cocky to claim your power—in fact, it makes it harder. Remind yourself that regardless of what happens outside of you, you can still choose your response. You can create meaning and purpose and joy even when things don’t work out. That’s your superpower. You can build up truth, positivity, and hope inside yourself.
Being present means being brave enough to show up fully, even though it scares you to let people see that you are less than perfect.
Feeling like a victim (even when unfair things are happening), on the other hand, siphons away your power. If you tell yourself that you can only be okay when other people treat you well, or when circumstances unfold in an ideal way, you cut your own determination, strength, and resourcefulness out of the equation.
And those are exactly the qualities that can make things okay—not at some future, magical time, but right now, on this messy, beautiful, ordinary, irreplaceable day. When you’re feeling scared, the real reassurance isn’t that you will dodge every problem, and the real hope isn’t that you will never struggle.
Comfort comes from getting honest with yourself: You will make mistakes. Other people will make mistakes. Things will sometimes just go wrong. And all of that is okay. It's okay because you are brave enough to make your way through imperfect circumstances.
It’s okay because setbacks don’t define you or your future. And It’s okay because there is room in your great big heart for sadness and joy, discouragement and faith. You are strong enough to sit with pain, learn from it, and let it go.
Know that on the days when challenges loom large as well as the days when things work out, on the days when you feel scared and inadequate as well as the days when confidence comes easily, you are enough. Keep going. You have a beautiful life to live.
As I write this blog post we are about 4 weeks into sheltering at home and school closings. Updates are happening on a regular basis and new information, so much has shifted in our lives in just 3-4 weeks In addition, there is some uncertainty that many of us are thinking about.
There can be many ups and downs with how we are feeling.
One hour, I’m so incredibly grateful to be working and to be safe and healthy, as well as glad that friends and family are ok. Then an hour later I can feel sad for people who have lost family members, empathize with educators who have made massive shifts on the drop of a dime, and think about the state of the economy and the health of the men and women who work in essential services.
The next hour, I’m feel excited that the earth is healing and this is an opportunity for rest, reflection and making shifts that are important. I and enjoying the slower pace of the world and love working from home as well as being with my dog.
Then the next, I would love to go hang out with friends and have a delicious meal or go to the coffee shop for a few minutes, run with friends or go to the mountains. I am excited and looking forward to connecting with people in person one day and have hope we will get to the other side of this.
We Can Hold Fear and Hope—At the Same Time
Those of us who have more sensitive souls can experience feelings of fear, stress, sadness, and worry—while at the same time catching glimmers of hope and happiness right where we are. There is room for all of our feelings.
One thing we can do is carefully watch our thoughts. Our brains are going to be more tempted than ever to go down negative spirals, to dwell on all of the stress, fear, and heartache around us.
Our dominant thoughts can create how we feel and our experiences. We are all entitled to experience our own feelings and have our own experiences, however we have an opportunity to give our brains different thoughts when we find ourselves in a downward spiral. We can shift our thoughts to those that are more supportive and build our residency muscles.
Here are a few to practice if it serves you:
I would love to hear- do one of these resonate for you? Please share!
One of the most frequently asked questions by clients is “How can I stay grounded when there is so much happening in our world?” Our accessibility to news, the current political climate, changing weather patterns, ongoing violence, natural disasters, Hollywood crime, pandemic health concerns, a fluctuating stock market and more can leave us feeling unsettled and lacking the solid hold we wished we had on life. Unless we actively work on staying grounded, we will undoubtedly remain unsettled and unable to comfortably manage day-to-day concerns.
The essence of who we are and our body tells us when we are in overwhelm and misaligns us by creating a sensation of stress, anxiety, depression or another mental health concern. As a modern society, we are still taught that these are “bad” reactions to unsettling events, but in reality, these are messages from our higher self that something needs attention—something needs to be grounded in order for us to lift our spirits and thrive.
Getting grounded is the ability to be aware of the present moment, more mindful of your own mental and emotional self, and less influenced by other ideas or individuals.. Nothing outside of you can fully ground you, it must come from within. No job, significant other, child, hobby, alcohol or anything else external to us can realign our lives.
There may always be something going on in the world or our lives, so taking the time to get grounded is important. Following are several tips to help you stay grounded even when the world around you seems unsettled.
Breathe! The simple act of focusing on your breath can not only slow it down, it can send signals to the brain to help you relax. Try this: Take a slow, deep breath in as you count to four, pause the breath for a count of four, then release slowly while counting backwards from six to zero. Repeat this as many times as you need.
Focus on the present. Research indicates that only 10% of us think about the present, while nearly 40% percent worry about the past and approximately 50% worry about the future. By practicing presence, we can more realistically assess our situation at hand and respond to events rather than react to them.
Using discernment with new and social media. Social media and the internet has created an urgency to receive information as fast as we can, but it doesn’t always fact check what is real. In most cases, the details are only peripherally helpful in building the big picture, but they are often immensely draining if over-indulged. I understand about wanting to stay informed, use discernment and take breaks from social media and the news.
Get Outside. Spending time in nature can be calming and grounding. Taking a walk, sitting outside, cleaning out a garden can help you feel more grounded and balanced.
Do something that feeds your soul. I encourage my clients to find what brings them joy and also to intentionally set time aside to participate. All work and no play really does take a toll on our health. In many ways, we have come to value exhaustion over joy. Because modern living has disconnected us from our own self we have also forgotten that its most natural state is that of joy, itself!
When was the last time you did something fun, creative, or enjoyable just for the sake of doing it? There are many things to learn from those unsettled thoughts and feelings. Our health depends on our willingness and ability to become conscious of what we need in order to thrive. See what you can discover.
Life and Leadership Coach, Licensed Counselor, outdoor enthusiast, yoga lover and passionate about wellness.