There is a lot going on the world today and the volume has been turned way up on our internal experiences. Tensions are higher for many, however we can use this amplification to make actual change in our internal state and our neurological response to our environment and external stimuli.
Regulating your emotions means working with whatever emotions you might be feeling in order to get back into an unbothered state where you can do your best work. The more emotionally stable we are, the better equipped we are to remain cool, calm, and collected when challenges arise.
In practice, this usually means dialing back emotions like anger and fear and enhancing the experience of positive ones. But emotional regulation is not about putting on a fake happy face while you suppress any negative feelings. Instead, it’s about acknowledging what’s happening for you emotionally and working with those feelings, so that you are free to choose your response to a situation, without the emotions controlling you.
Here are a few signs that your nervous system may not be regulated:
*You wake up in the morning and your mind is running with thoughts.You feel overwhelmed by tasks that seem really simple.
*You experience panic attacks, anxiety, or depression.
*You feel defensive when people try to give you feedback.
*You struggle to fall asleep.
*You struggle to keep a consistent sleeping schedule.
*You are easily pulled into arguments on social media.
*You have a hard time remembering things.
*You struggle to follow through with what you say you want to do.
*You get righteous about things easily.
*You struggle with setting healthy boundaries.
*You are easily impacted by the way other people show up (both positively, and negatively).
The benefits of self-regulation are numerous. In general, people who are adept at self-regulating tend to possess the following abilities:
Here are a few things that you can do to regulate your nervous system:
1) Self-soothing, in any form, can reduce the toxic effects of anger, sadness, and agony that negative experiences bring and is supportive of managing thoughts and emotions.
We can practice several variations of self-soothing exercises, including:
2) Be aware of your triggers. We can’t run from everything that bothers us, but we can increase our awareness of situations that trigger unwanted emotions. Minimize exposure to things that bother you (although little discomfort is good for growth!).
3) Don’t suppress your emotions. Research shows that in the long run, suppressing negative emotions doesn’t work nearly as well as transforming them by acknowledging and expressing them.
4) Shift your focus. The little things we think about add up into our moods so be mindful of the little things that catch your attention. When you find yourself hung up small stuff that gets you down -shift your focus to anything that gives you a more neutral or positive feeling.
5) Cognitive reframing. This strategy involves changing your thought patterns. Specifically, cognitive reappraisal involves reinterpreting a situation in order to change your emotional response to it. For example, imagine a friend did not return your calls or texts for several days. Rather than thinking that this reflected something about yourself, such as "my friend hates me," you might instead think, "my friend must be really busy."
If you have any questions or if I can be of service, reach out!
“Laughter is true alignment” — Abraham Hicks.
The world is feeling much uncertainty at the current moment with the current pandemic as well as the upcoming election. There are many things we can do to ground ourselves such as meditation, mindfulness, exercise, writing, and spending time in nature. However laughter is another tool. Sometimes when we are feeling stressed or uncertain, we aren’t tapped into joy and emotions feel really heavy. Laughter is a powerful antidote in shifting energy.
There are times I can feel my energy or vibe being low. Maybe I am in my thoughts, feeling stressed and have a busy mind. Then for whatever reason I find something funny and laugh, next thing I know, my mood feels lifted. Laughter can be a powerful antidote. Around twenty minutes of belly laughter with friends or a funny movie can completely shift my state from feeling low vibe and stressed to feeling relaxed and feeling tapped into joy.
It turns out the saying, “laughter is the best medicine”, is backed up by a raft of scientific studies. I discovered in my research that heart disease, kidney failure, arthritis, Parkinson’s Disease, anxiety, depression and even insomnia have been shown to either be cured or reduced with the aid of laughter. I also uncovered further positive effects of laughter on social relationships, memory and learning.
Most compelling of all, laughter has been shown to increase life span. Korean researchers concluded in a 2005 study that optimists, and those who laughed more, were less likely to suffer from strokes and therefore outlived those who didn’t laugh as much. The results were echoed in two Norwegian studies: laughter and having a sense of humor proved to help people live longer by 31% and increased the chance of people with end-stage renal failure of living into retirement by 35%.
Laughter doesn’t just help us live healthier longer lives it can also be a spiritual practice. Laughter has been shown to produce the same gamma wave brain activity produced by experienced meditators, Himalayan monks.
One of the world’s most well-known meditators, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, knows just how powerful laughter is. Not only is he known for creating a sense of fun and joy during his official events, he even calls himself a professional laugher.
I consider laughter and humor, an essential part of healthy living. I laugh every single day as a spiritual practice. I laugh as my dog does something really cute, I laugh as I listen to funny podcasts and I watch mainly comedy shows, or content that is uplifting or neutral in emotion; such as shows about the natural environment, creativity, cooking or human interest. I have found that there is comedy and joy in almost every life situation if one takes the time to look for it. I also bring a sense of lightness and humor into my sessions with the amazing people I work with.
Bring on the giggles, guffaws and deep belly laughs. Find laughter in each day and notice the difference in your vibe and the ability to experience joy! Where can you create opportunities for laughter and joy in your life?
Photo Cred: Amelia Winchester Photography in beautiful Spain!
Self-efficacy is our belief in our own abilities. It allows us to confront problems head on and flourish in the face of challenges. Without it, we avoid things that seem hard and miss out on opportunities for growth. Keep reading to learn about how practicing self-efficacy can keep you moving forward.
What is self-efficacy?
The belief that you can handle whatever comes your way, giving you the confidence to act in the face of a challenge. An important indicator of how we approach a difficult situation. If you have self-efficacy, you are more likely to tackle the situation with positivity; if you don't, you may feel threatened by failure and avoid trying at all. A key component of what's known as our "self-system," the part of our psychological makeup that shapes how we perceive and approach the world around us.
Why is it important?
What does it look like in my life?
How do I maximize it?
A deeper look...
One last note: Environment greatly impacts feelings of self-efficacy and it can be taught or improved. Reach out if this is an area I can support you on!
Featured Researchers Albert Bandura, Ph.D., and one of the most cited psychologists of all time. Daniel Kahneman, Ph.D., a Nobel Memorial Prize winner noted for his work on the psychology of judgment and decision making.
Have you noticed noticed any feelings burnout or extra fatigue lately? This can include, but not limited to: feeling overwhelmed, fatigue, anxiety, sluggishness, lack of motivation or just not feeling joy. You are not alone if you are feeling this way. I have noticed my own need of more rest lately.
Whatever that may be important in your life, it requires energy. Whether it may be your family, growing your business, recovery from a past event, navigating the pandemic. They also require you to have regular self- care.
Implementing self-care into your life each day is essential. When we prioritize our wellness and well-being, we are more likely to feel energized, feel creative, and connect with our purpose. We can show up for what matters most from a more rested place.
With that said, this is not a reason to stop showing up in your life.
This is a nudge to continue to show up for the things that are important to you AND take care of your emotional wellness. You can continue to work towards your goals and take care of your emotional wellness.
So, where can you start?
A few of my own favorite practices that I do regularly: get outdoors in nature every day, take my dog, Ellie, for walks and hikes, and my yoga and meditation practice. Eating really good, healthy food and staying hydrated. Lately I have been able to visit the farmers market for fresh produce. So good! I'm also allowing myself breaks in the day and to slow down, breathe and rest. Also, connecting with the important people in my life for good soul conversations and belly laughs! Oh and naps too!
Please reach out if you need additional support!
Is everything going to be okay? Many have asked this question to themselves during challenging times in their lives. To say everything will be okay, is meant to provide reassurance and hope. But those words can sometimes ring empty.
That’s because when you say everything is going to be okay, the hope is that everything is going to be resolved and there won’t be any major heartache or disruption.
Even if today’s problem resolves itself simply and easily, there will be other challenges tomorrow or the next day. Jobs are lost. Relationships fail. Illness happens. Loved ones pass. Sooner or later, every one of us will have moments of pain.
But that doesn’t mean you have to tiptoe through life, breath held, shoulders tense, wondering when it will be your turn for things to not be okay. It doesn’t mean you have to live in despair.
When you hit those inevitable moments of not okay, it means one thing: you are alive, you are brave and you are human.
In being vulnerable, you discover your own strength. In facing down your worst fears, you find your own power. In standing up to external opposition, you learn to silence the internal opposition that says you can't and you are not enough. You become the best version of yourself one choice at a time. You make mistakes. Things don’t work out. And you show up and keep trying anyway.
It’s that kind of everyday courage that changes lives. That matters. And it doesn’t come from everything outside you working out smoothly. It comes from claiming your own power right in the middle of the complicated, imperfect present.
You don't have to feel courageous to be brave and you don’t have to feel strong to have grit. Some of your most valiant decisions will come in the shadows and in the quiet moments.
You don’t have to be cocky to claim your power—in fact, it makes it harder. Remind yourself that regardless of what happens outside of you, you can still choose your response. You can create meaning and purpose and joy even when things don’t work out. That’s your superpower. You can build up truth, positivity, and hope inside yourself.
Being present means being brave enough to show up fully, even though it scares you to let people see that you are less than perfect.
Feeling like a victim (even when unfair things are happening), on the other hand, siphons away your power. If you tell yourself that you can only be okay when other people treat you well, or when circumstances unfold in an ideal way, you cut your own determination, strength, and resourcefulness out of the equation.
And those are exactly the qualities that can make things okay—not at some future, magical time, but right now, on this messy, beautiful, ordinary, irreplaceable day. When you’re feeling scared, the real reassurance isn’t that you will dodge every problem, and the real hope isn’t that you will never struggle.
Comfort comes from getting honest with yourself: You will make mistakes. Other people will make mistakes. Things will sometimes just go wrong. And all of that is okay. It's okay because you are brave enough to make your way through imperfect circumstances.
It’s okay because setbacks don’t define you or your future. And It’s okay because there is room in your great big heart for sadness and joy, discouragement and faith. You are strong enough to sit with pain, learn from it, and let it go.
Know that on the days when challenges loom large as well as the days when things work out, on the days when you feel scared and inadequate as well as the days when confidence comes easily, you are enough. Keep going. You have a beautiful life to live.
As I write this blog post we are about 4 weeks into sheltering at home and school closings. Updates are happening on a regular basis and new information, so much has shifted in our lives in just 3-4 weeks In addition, there is some uncertainty that many of us are thinking about.
There can be many ups and downs with how we are feeling.
One hour, I’m so incredibly grateful to be working and to be safe and healthy, as well as glad that friends and family are ok. Then an hour later I can feel sad for people who have lost family members, empathize with educators who have made massive shifts on the drop of a dime, and think about the state of the economy and the health of the men and women who work in essential services.
The next hour, I’m feel excited that the earth is healing and this is an opportunity for rest, reflection and making shifts that are important. I and enjoying the slower pace of the world and love working from home as well as being with my dog.
Then the next, I would love to go hang out with friends and have a delicious meal or go to the coffee shop for a few minutes, run with friends or go to the mountains. I am excited and looking forward to connecting with people in person one day and have hope we will get to the other side of this.
We Can Hold Fear and Hope—At the Same Time
Those of us who have more sensitive souls can experience feelings of fear, stress, sadness, and worry—while at the same time catching glimmers of hope and happiness right where we are. There is room for all of our feelings.
One thing we can do is carefully watch our thoughts. Our brains are going to be more tempted than ever to go down negative spirals, to dwell on all of the stress, fear, and heartache around us.
Our dominant thoughts can create how we feel and our experiences. We are all entitled to experience our own feelings and have our own experiences, however we have an opportunity to give our brains different thoughts when we find ourselves in a downward spiral. We can shift our thoughts to those that are more supportive and build our residency muscles.
Here are a few to practice if it serves you:
I would love to hear- do one of these resonate for you? Please share!
One of the most frequently asked questions by clients is “How can I stay grounded when there is so much happening in our world?” Our accessibility to news, the current political climate, changing weather patterns, ongoing violence, natural disasters, Hollywood crime, pandemic health concerns, a fluctuating stock market and more can leave us feeling unsettled and lacking the solid hold we wished we had on life. Unless we actively work on staying grounded, we will undoubtedly remain unsettled and unable to comfortably manage day-to-day concerns.
The essence of who we are and our body tells us when we are in overwhelm and misaligns us by creating a sensation of stress, anxiety, depression or another mental health concern. As a modern society, we are still taught that these are “bad” reactions to unsettling events, but in reality, these are messages from our higher self that something needs attention—something needs to be grounded in order for us to lift our spirits and thrive.
Getting grounded is the ability to be aware of the present moment, more mindful of your own mental and emotional self, and less influenced by other ideas or individuals.. Nothing outside of you can fully ground you, it must come from within. No job, significant other, child, hobby, alcohol or anything else external to us can realign our lives.
There may always be something going on in the world or our lives, so taking the time to get grounded is important. Following are several tips to help you stay grounded even when the world around you seems unsettled.
Breathe! The simple act of focusing on your breath can not only slow it down, it can send signals to the brain to help you relax. Try this: Take a slow, deep breath in as you count to four, pause the breath for a count of four, then release slowly while counting backwards from six to zero. Repeat this as many times as you need.
Focus on the present. Research indicates that only 10% of us think about the present, while nearly 40% percent worry about the past and approximately 50% worry about the future. By practicing presence, we can more realistically assess our situation at hand and respond to events rather than react to them.
Using discernment with new and social media. Social media and the internet has created an urgency to receive information as fast as we can, but it doesn’t always fact check what is real. In most cases, the details are only peripherally helpful in building the big picture, but they are often immensely draining if over-indulged. I understand about wanting to stay informed, use discernment and take breaks from social media and the news.
Get Outside. Spending time in nature can be calming and grounding. Taking a walk, sitting outside, cleaning out a garden can help you feel more grounded and balanced.
Do something that feeds your soul. I encourage my clients to find what brings them joy and also to intentionally set time aside to participate. All work and no play really does take a toll on our health. In many ways, we have come to value exhaustion over joy. Because modern living has disconnected us from our own self we have also forgotten that its most natural state is that of joy, itself!
When was the last time you did something fun, creative, or enjoyable just for the sake of doing it? There are many things to learn from those unsettled thoughts and feelings. Our health depends on our willingness and ability to become conscious of what we need in order to thrive. See what you can discover.
Have you ever questioned "where is my joy?" I believe we all have at some point. At times our joy can feel overshadowed by every day challenges, emotions, and experiences. Yet even then, joy can still be felt. There is space for all of it. During my own experiences of challenging times and heartbreak, I also experienced joy. Whether that may be a walk in nature, time with my dog or a good friend.
If you are needing some ideas to get started, here are a few suggestions for you to experience joy in your own life. You may also want to create your own list or add to this one:
1) Make yourself a priority. You deserve your own time and attention. There are 1440 minutes in a day; make yourself a priority and use some of those minutes for you. Whether that is getting in a yoga class, running a bubble bath, or reading a book. Do what makes your heart sing.
2) Try something new. Maybe it is a new coffee flavor or a new meal? Or an art museum or a new sport? Trying something new adds a little adventure into every day life. Sometimes that may feel a little scary at first. However on the other side of fear, you may discover complete JOY!
3) Move your body. Movement can wake us up and provide a boost of energy when we are feeling lethargic. Maybe that is going for a walk, having a dance party in the kitchen to your favorite music, doing some yoga or stretching. Make it fun for yourself. When we start moving and boost our energy, it's an opening to feel joy.
4) Affirm yourself. How many times have you started a sentence with, “I am ... ?” What comes after the "I am" is super important. A suggestion is to write down: “I AM... Strong. Worthy. Beautiful. Loving. ” or any other statements that resonate. Every morning, read them to yourself or out loud. In 30 days you may notice a big shift in how you are feeling.
5) Go into nature. Research shows that being outdoors for only 5 minutes a day can improve your mood, raise your self-esteem, and reduce trauma symptoms. Go outside. Touch the earth. Breathe in the smells. Notice the sounds you hear. Notice what's around you. Connect with the beauty that surrounds you.
6) Nurture Relationships. That may be calling a friend, meeting someone you care about for lunch or coffee. Share what's going on in your life and connect. Laugh out loud, as laugher is so therapeutic. Let yourself be silly too. It's ok to be an adult and play too!
7) Invest in you. Joy comes from within - no doubt. And the greatest way to create more joy is through healing, growth, and exploration of self. Feed your soul by reading a good book, take that class you are interested in, go on that adventure you seek. The more joy we create from within, the more joy we create in our life.
Feel free to share below ways you experience joy in your life, I would love to hear it you
The good news is that your fate isn’t set. You get to decide how you want your day to go and to live purposefully.
It’s actually far more exhausting to not work than it is to work. It takes far more energy sitting with internal conflict and justification than it does to just get to work. Said Steven Pressfield, “Most of us have two lives: the life we live and the un-lived life within us. Between the two stands resistance.”
If your life feels out-of-balance, you’re likely avoiding the very thing you should be doing. Avoidance leads to distraction.
When I'm in flow at work or in my life, I feel more joy and vibrant. The world is a more beautiful and abundant place. I leave my work more energized than before I started. I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my life. Others feel that energy from too.
Conversely, on days I’ve spent my working time in distraction, I don't feel as great and have low energy. You can’t see the energy-field around you, but it’s there.
You Can Make the Shift. I know what it feels like being stuck and without momentum.You can feel absolutely powerless to change your life and circumstances. But that’s not true. Feeling guilty about all the time you’ve wasted won’t help.
If you make a few tweaks to your approach, you’ll be surprised at how quickly your perception of the world and yourself will change. As your perception changes, everything around you will change.
Give one or two of these a try and watch what happens:
1. Have a weekly reflection and planning session
One day per week, take 10–30 minutes reflecting on your past six days. How did they go? What did you do or not do?
Getting down on yourself isn’t the purpose. Rather, being aware of how you’re doing is the purpose. Awareness facilitates empowerment to change. This need not take long, but it can dramatically improve the quality of your weeks and the days within those weeks.
2. At the end of each day, make your game plan for tomorrow
Having a plan eliminates the burden of choice. If you wake up without a plan, you will bounce from thing-to-thing without really doing anything. You won’t be focused or purposeful. It’s so much more powerful to wake up with a purpose and a clear reason to get up.
Taking just a minute or two at the end of your day to make a game plan for the next day will provide you the needed structure to purposefully move. Taking just 5 minutes to plan can save you hours.
3. Focus on today, not tomorrow
During your day, don’t worry about anything else. Follow your plan. Live today to the fullest and be the person you intend to be. After your day is complete, take a minute or two to outline your next day. Be mindful of distractions such as social media.
4. Three month energy cycles
When it comes to your future, you can break it down by your future vision/goals and your actual goals (present game plan) over the next 90 days. Framing your goals in three month increments gives you a clear plan to move toward. Of course, these goals are based on your longer-term goals. However, your 3-month goal cycles are your main focus. Just like your weekly planning sessions, every three months spend some time reflecting on your previous three months. Make any adjustments you need and make better plans for the next three months.
5. Organize yourself
Organize yourself. Clean out the weeds. It doesn’t matter how long it takes. The very act of cultivating your garden will enliven you. Every day, week, and year, you can make your garden a little more beautiful and fruitful. Clean up your finances. Clean up how you use your time. Clean up your relationships. Cultivate. Just a little bit every day. Once you start to get things organized, your soil of your life will be better suited for what you plant in it.
6. Build momentum
Perfection is not the goal. However, consistently making forward moving choices is the only way to get momentum. And momentum is exactly what you need. Consistency can build confidence and momentum.
So as you can see, setting yourself up for living on purpose isn’t all that hard. It may be as simple as spending 2 minutes the night before writing a plan. It may also be spending 15 minutes the Sunday before making a plan.
Whatever it is, you have a reason to live your life to the fullest. You may not know exactly what that reason is, but you’ll find it once you get moving. More than likely, you’ll realize that everything in your life is actually far more beautiful that you could previously perceive.
From this level of joy and purpose, you’ll be empowered to consciously create a future you are worthy of.
As a Therapist and a Life/Career Coach I often talk about the importance of self-care. I notice in media that it can be characterized as an indulgence. This means both that the practice of self-care is something we are occasionally allowed to indulge in and that self-care should feel like an indulgence. Think expensive bath products, luxurious chocolates, spa appointments. We may be missing the mark for what is healthy for mind or body. There is nothing wrong with those things, however self-care is a bit more expansive.
Self-care is not an indulgence, it’s an essential life requirement. It can take discipline, a deep and personal understanding of your priorities a commitment to self, and a respect for both yourself and the people you choose to spend your life with.
A few examples of self care for me:
Self-care isn’t super sexy! Which is why self-care is a discipline. It takes discipline to do the things that are good for us instead of what feels good in the moment. It takes even more discipline to refuse to take responsibility for other people’s emotional well-being. And it takes discipline to take full responsibility for our own well-being.
Self-care is also not something you do once in awhile when the world gets crazy. It’s what you do every day, every week, month in and month out. It’s taking care of yourself in a way that doesn’t require you to indulge in order to restore balance. It’s making the commitment to stay healthy and balanced as a regular practice.
Ironically when you truly care for yourself, you are actually in a much stronger place to give of yourself to those around you. You will be a happier parent, a more grateful spouse, a fully engaged colleague. Those who take care of themselves also have the energy to work with meaning and purpose toward a worthy goal. Which means they are also the people most likely to make the world a better place for all of us.
Life and Leadership Coach, Licensed Counselor, outdoor enthusiast, yoga lover and passionate about wellness.